Mindful Monday - Feeling Lucky?

My Monday Check-In for St. Patrick's Day is nothing to write home about. Walking and water drinking have been inconsistent, at best. Clutter clearing has been limited. And there were 3 nights in a row when I didn't get nearly enough sleep. I've done a little writing but not much reading. So there are no gold stars in my self-care report card for the past week.

My chosen word/focus for 2014, however, was mindfulness, and since January I have been consistent in my daily meditation practice for the first time in years. I am meditating for longer periods than I was when I started. My mind doesn't seem to wander any less, so I can't say I feel any more skilled at it. What I do notice, however, is that I am generally less reactive throughout the day. My buttons are not as easily pushed as they were three months ago.

This time last March, mom would soon enter hospice care, and I was with her almost 24/7. This year, the focus has shifted to my dad, who continues to cope with kidney failure, heart disease, diabetes and a host of other health concerns, even as he struggles with the loss of his caregiver and wife of 55 years along with the sense of control over his life.

At his own insistence, dad still lives somewhat independently, but he calls frequently and often requires assistance, occasionally on very short notice. He needs frequent reminders and reassurance and tends to ask the same questions (and tell the same stories) over and over.
 

I remind myself how lucky I am to still be able to hear his voice each day and spend time with him often. Yet, especially on days when my brother and I get repeated calls from dad, it's hard not to view them as interruptions. It's also frustrating when--in spite of all those calls--dad makes arrangements involving us without consulting us or the calendar. (As you might guess, these minor examples are only the tip of a large iceberg.)
 
While things pile up from neglect at my own house, I find myself wanting to hurry to try to get dad's needs taken care of so I can get back to my life. But, of course, caring for our father is an integral part of my life, just as providing for us was a part of his for so many years.

My mini-epiphany this past weekend was an extension of something I've learned from doing guided meditations for (physical or emotional) pain. When we try to resist pain, we only make it bigger. If we acknowledge our pain, and especially when we can hold it in non-judgmental awareness and relax a bit, it tends to recede on its own. Sometimes it dissolves entirely.

If I spend all my time and energy with my dad resisting--scrambling to get off the phone or back home as quickly as possible--it never works. He senses that I am easing toward the door or needing to hang up and will begin to flood the conversation with dozens of urgent requests. But when I can attend to the present moment with dad, even if in that moment I need to calmly re-define boundaries, the result almost always leaves both of us less anxious.

It's hard to explain the connection, but there is something about daily mindfulness or insight meditation that seems to facilitate this shift toward being more present even in difficult situations, neither resisting nor pushing--a non-anxious presence in the face of adversity.

I was reminded during an interview with Ann Rae that I watched from Jonathan Fields' Good Life Project that depression can be an indication that we are focusing too much attention on the past, just as chronic anxiety can be an indication of too much energy focused on the future. That's something I'm making an effort to notice.

So, although I'm neither Irish nor Google, and my 2014 resolution track record is thoroughly unimpressive, I'm still feeling lucky... for this time with our dad, for a loving and supportive husband, for friends familiar with this caregiving journey who uphold me with prayers and good wishes, and for the lessons of meditation, in which we have the opportunity in any moment to gently begin again by coming home come to the present moment.

I'd love to hear how you are feeling this Mindful Monday.