More Tortoise, Less Hare

Hi! It's Lenora. Thanks for dropping in. This is just a quick note to let anyone who lands here know where you can find me...

My Substack is called More Tortoise, Less Hare, and it's free and easy to subscribe to the newsletter version or to simply read my posts at: https://lroseen.substack.com/

I post there every Tuesday morning and would love to meet you in the comments. On the last Tuesday of each month, my Roundup includes a variety of recent finds that might be of particular interest.

I may revive this Soprano on a Limb blog as well in the not-too-distant future, but in the meantime I hope you'll join my MTLH Community on Substack!  🐢

Defund the Police

Do you remember when the very first iPad came out?

People were apoplectic over the name that Apple had chosen for its highly anticipated new tablet. It was ridiculous! Downright embarrassing! It sounded like some sort of high-tech feminine hygiene product. Imagine the time and effort, not to mention marketing dollars, that went into this "disastrous" decision. There were tweets and blog posts and cartoons devoted to it.

And then the product came out, and people flocked to buy it and quickly adjusted to the name.

And that was that.

Of course, iPads aren't a matter of life and death. Let's consider a different example--something more complex and consequential like healthcare reform.

It's been talked about in different ways in this country for decades, using a variety of monikers: Universal Healthcare, Single-Payer, ACA, Obamacare, Romneycare...

When President Obama was elected, he tried unsuccessfully to pass even more comprehensive reform than the ACA that he eventually signed into law. One of the challenges was how best to talk about such a complex plan in a way that would be widely understood. Of course, opponents were also hard at work coming up with ways to make reform sound scary and even dangerous, hence the introduction of the dreaded "Death Panels."

After the fact, conventional wisdom settled on the idea of calling a proposed single-payer system, "Medicare for All" as a sort of shorthand, even though the proposal was not literally Medicare for everyone. Adjustments would be made to improve it and to make it work on a wider scale, but it would work a lot like Medicare for consumers. So it would surely be much less confusing to understand and talk about!

"Why didn't President Obama just call it Medicare for All?" the pundits queried from the Hindsight Department. So in 2016, pretty much everyone did. And it still scared people. There was all manner of confusion about how on earth the whole country could possibly just go on Medicare, especially if supplemental policies were abolished.

Maybe we should have called it something else? How could we have explained it better?

Photo by Koshu Kunii

Fast forward to May and June of 2020 and an arguably even more dire topic after video of the hideous killing of a handcuffed George Floyd by a Minneapolis police officer was caught on video and circulated on social media.

More people are finally catching on that #BlackLivesMatter is more than a hashtag to debate and even taking the risk of protesting police brutality on the streets during a global pandemic.

So what's the latest controversial phrase on everyone's lips? Defund the Police. 

Does it perfectly encapsulate all we need to do to replace a system so broken that minor reforms around the edges aren't nearly enough? No.

Does it get folks' attention? Yes.

Does it beg for further exploration and conversation? Definitely.

Will opponents spin it to sound like public safety is being abandoned? Of course.

Is it the same phrase we'll all be using 4 months from now? I don't know.

The conversation will continue to evolve, and you can bet the marketing teams of both major parties are already looking at poling and focus groups on the topic as the election draws nigh and considering alternatives. It's just what they do.

Here's what we can do in the meantime:

For now, let's try not to worry about the terminology. Learn what it MEANS. Learn what needs to be DONE. And help others to better understand what has to happen and why. Work for REAL CHANGE in local communities.

Frankly, this isn't a great time for white folks to tell black folks whose very lives are at stake exactly how they should talk about changing that fact. (It's really never a good time for that, by the way.)

Tragically, we have a dangerous president who is horrible at virtually every skill needed to preside over a country and utterly devoid of any quality one might hope for in a world leader. But he's brilliant at deflection, misinformation, and stoking fear and resentment, particularly among his base.

We MUST train ourselves to stay on task. This is especially difficult when the work is hard and distractions are everywhere. It's far easier to argue about semantics.

Please understand that I'm NOT suggesting words or messaging don't matter. They do. That will all get sorted out. But whether you like the slogans or the headlines or the tactics being used or not, let's try to focus on our work and the values they are based on. There's just too much at stake not to.

Confession and Apology

At the risk of stating the obvious and in the spirit of confession, I'm just going to say this: The past 4 years or a little more have been really eye opening for me—and NOT in a good way.

It’s not that I'm surprised that Trump is a horrible President. That was crystal clear from the start (although he’s even worse in some ways than I ever imagined). And it’s not that I was SO naive that I thought there was no evil in the world or that cruelty and racism were relics of the past. I absolutely knew better than that. I was under no illusions that the world was all unicorns and rainbows. I knew there was systemic work to be done, and I tried to pay attention and keep learning and working in my own modest ways, to try to leave the world a little better than I found it. I've also tried to give others the benefit of the doubt at times, because we are all human and make mistakes...

But O.M.G.

I guess the simplest way to say it is that I knew some things were bad, but I had no clue just HOW bad until this country put Donald J. Trump in the White House. Of course, most People of Color knew all along, because they had no choice. It’s in their faces on a daily basis. But until fairly recently I still had the luxury of wishful thinking.

Well, here we are, 3 1/2 years into the presidency of a vile, utterly unqualified, narcissistic con man, and the list of growing cruelties and injustices being perpetuated in our country is too long to even keep track of, from the children in cages at our border and school shootings to the incompetent handling of the pandemic to widespread police brutality, mass incarceration, and corruption—even at the highest levels of our government.

And the thing that REALLY gets me is how many people in this country are just fine with that. In fact, they are PROUD of it.

It keeps me up at night. I will NEVER understand how—EVEN NOW— nearly half of this country justifies and even aligns itself with these atrocities.

Don’t bother to suggest to me that all this country really needs is Jesus, because it just so happens that most Trump supporters already think they've got a corner on that market, and it hasn’t helped.

I wish I had a great finish for this little rant—some magical solution or divine inspiration. But I don’t. All I can offer is a meager apology to my Black and Brown friends and neighbors for not realizing sooner what deep trouble we are in and a solemn promise to join forces with those who are determined to stop the insanity and make an effort to behave like decent human beings.

As Maya Angelou taught us, now that we know better, we need to DO better.

Favorite Things

I've recently re-established my gratitude practice. It's nothing fancy. I simply write down at least five things I'm grateful for each day. Over time, I almost always find this practice more influential than I anticipate. I love that it encourages me to watch for goodness throughout the day, even when things aren't going particularly well and my impulse is to do the opposite. Beautiful sunsets, the scent of freshly cut grass, and the taste of a juicy summer peach were on my list this morning. (So was cheesecake, but that's admittedly less poetic.)

As a child who had trouble sleeping without a nightlight, I was captivated by songs from musicals which eased my anxiety by focusing on pleasant thoughts or actions, like "My Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music and "Whistle a Happy Tune" from The King and I. My nighttime worries have evolved over the years, but I still deal with insomnia when I have a lot on my mind. I don't think our nervous systems were designed to take in the enormity of the world's problems in the way our 24/7 news cycles constantly serve them up today.

Of course, I don't want to deny reality and pretend that serious problems do not exist, but neither do I want to become so overwhelmed by chaos that I can't function effectively or appreciate life. My grandmother would have called it counting your blessings. It's important not to lose sight of the beauty and kindness that already exists in the world, even as we try to create more. Sharing little discoveries with others is also meaningful, whether we are on the giving or receiving end. A good book or movie, a helpful hint, a great recipe--the smallest shared discovery can shift energy in a positive direction.

I plan to include a few cherished finds here from time to time, and I invite you to share some of your own discoveries in the comments, as well. I'll probably also share these posts on Facebook.

This week, a couple of phone apps that I've found helpful:

The Insight Timer app (insighttimer.com) is a free phone app--there is also a premium version--that started as a simple timer to use when meditating and has grown into a far more comprehensive resource, with lots of guided meditations and a worldwide community which you can choose to interact with or not. It also tracks your stats, like how often you have meditated, exercised, done yoga, etc. and for how long. It includes a journal function, which is where I've been recording my five gratitudes each day. I have used the free version for years.

The Cozi app (cozi.com) is advertised as a simple Family Organizer, but I think it could be useful for any small group of two or more people who need to coordinate schedules, activities, and other information. The free version has ads and doesn't include some of the features I like, such as the shared contacts list, so my husband and I recently upgraded, which requires an annual fee. Cozi was a godsend several years ago when my brother and I were sharing caregiving responsibilities during our parents' final years. Their doctors and treatments were in different hospitals, and there was so much to keep track of. We used the contacts list for doctors and such and took notes during appointments in the shared journal. We kept track of groceries and other supplies that our parents needed in the Cozi lists, where we could also keep separate personal lists for our own families.

After our parents' passing, I no longer used the app as much, so my husband and I stuck with the free version for a while, but when Bill started traveling more for work we decided to upgrade again. My work schedule varies from week to week, so Cozi is really helpful for both of us, especially since Bill and I are often in different states and no longer have in-person time together on a daily basis.

I think both of the above apps have Facebook pages, and probably Facebook user groups, as well. On Twitter, look for @InsightTimer and @CoziFamily.

So that's a start. I'll share a couple more finds next week, in a category other than apps.

How about you? Is there a discovery--large or small, old or new--that you'd like to share?  Maybe you have a favorite recipe or a household hint you'd be willing to pass along. You may have come across a great new podcast or YouTube channel.  Or perhaps something else entirely comes to mind. Please share a discovery or favorite thing (or two or three) in the comments and pass along this post to anyone who might like to participate. I'd love to hear from you!

 

 

Tortoise Practice

It seems I'm forever thinking of ideas that I don’t follow through on. That may not be entirely bad, as not all ideas warrant action. Still, I'd like to improve my idea selection process and do a better job of acting on my conscious choices.

I didn’t love the template I proposed for this blog in my last post. It didn’t feel comfortable for this space. I do like the idea of blogging, so I periodically decide to re-launch this one with high hopes, then fail to achieve lift-off.

Today, I'm humbly easing back in, with the image of a tortoise in my mind. Each January, I like to select a word to use as a theme for that year, and the year that I chose “Tortoise” was one of my most satisfying. I stuck with the theme all year. In fact, I would say the positive effects lingered well beyond that 12 months. It's a concept I continue to use to this day.

My ingrained tendency is to be more of a hare, operating in spasmodic bursts of energy, often immediately followed by exhaustion and/or overwhelm. Realistically, I may always be more hare than tortoise, but I have certainly found value in trying to balance those two qualities by encouraging my inner tortoise to make her way forward.

My hare sprints signal an unfortunate perfectionism/procrastination cycle which does not serve me or anyone else. It's all or nothing. When I'm in hare mode, if I'm not sure I can do something as well as I hope to, I don’t want to do it at all, so I put things off until there's not nearly enough time left to do it well. I guess it gives me an excuse. It also gives me insomnia—which is equally destructive to my creativity and productivity.

It's an unhealthy cycle that I'd like to break.

So...

This time, I'm NOT announcing that I'll be blogging every Monday or committing to a particular format. I’m going to let those details emerge (or not) over time. What I will do is simply state my intention to chip away at this whole perfectionism/procrastination thing, tortoise-style and imperfectly. Blogging may become a part of that process.

I’m gonna try some stuff. 

I’m gonna let go of some stuff.

I’m undoubtedly gonna forget some stuff. 

I’m gonna keep moving, no matter how slowly.

And I’m going to release the idea that everything has to be carefully polished before it can see the light of day.

I plan to nourish and encourage my inner tortoise and see what happens.

As a matter of fact, I've already taken a few recent tortoise steps: I joined Weight Watchers Online six weeks ago, and I've lost about 10 pounds, as a result. That qualifies as meaningful tortoise progress, in my book.

My mom was very much a Tortoise—in the best possible way. Tenacious and low-key, she got things done. She didn’t get hung up on being sure everything was perfect, and she rarely seemed overwhelmed by the size of the mountain in front of her or even what she did or didn’t know about climbing it. She just took a deep breath and started to climb. She accomplished so many amazing things as a result.

My tortoise mom is at the very top of my list of heroes. I miss her so much. I hope she knows how much I will always love and be inspired by her. I pray that her spirit is with me as I set out on the tortoise journey before me. 

Slowly, but surely. 🐢

Hello Again

Life happens.

I haven’t blogged in a very long time, but I’m thinking of taking it up again.

My current plan (subject to revision, of course) involves a

weekly check in post here, that includes 4 brief parts:

YES!
What’s working, things I'm saying “yes” to this week.

NO.
What's not working at the moment, boundaries I've decided to set.

MAYBE?
What's under serious consideration but not (yet?) ready for either previous list.

ALSO…
Things which are on my mind but may be a bit too random to fit neatly into the YES/NO/MAYBE framework. In particular, I'll probably share things I’m learning—ah ha moments or reminders. I suspect a few of these could develop into separate blog posts to occasionally share on another day of the week.

I’m thinking Mondays for the weekly check in post.

What do you think?

Taking My Own Advice

I don't always say them out loud, but I have thoughts. Thoughts about what other people should do. I'm not proud of this fact, but it's true. 

"Why didn't that car turn left when it had that big opening?"

"If you had worn something with a bit more fabric in it, you wouldn't be shivering right now."

"That person should get a ticket for parking like that!"

Okay, these are not just thoughts. These are judgments. I've been working on being less judgmental, and I think I've made at least a little improvement over the years, but there it is. Judgmental thoughts continue to pop into my mind.

Sometimes--often, in fact--these judgments are about me, in which case they can usually be filed under WHAT WAS I THINKING? (That folder is so overstuffed that I can hardly get it back in the file drawer.)

I was probably thinking about what someone else should be doing.

Photo: HGTV

My husband gets up very early for work: often around 4:30am. I am NOT a morning person. If I'm up at 4:30, it's because I'm STILL up. So my sweet, considerate husband uses the little downstairs bathroom to get ready rather than the master bathroom, so as not to disturb me.

I rarely set foot in that bathroom, but last night I dropped off some bathroom tissue.

Let's just say that Bill's bathroom did not look like the pages of Homes Beautiful. (Neither do the other rooms in our house, but I'm personally responsible for some of those messes, which makes them entirely different.)

I had this thought: If Bill would just take an extra 10 minutes every so often to tend to this bathroom, it wouldn't look like this.

Later, I was brushing my teeth upstairs in "my" bathroom--the larger, nicer bathroom with better light and more counter space, which Bill has graciously given over to me, for the most part.

It's fair to say my bathroom did not belong in Homes Beautiful either.

Here's a fun fact about my bathroom: There is a small bag of drawer pulls sitting in a corner on the floor that has been there for at least two years. 

TWO. YEARS.

I bought them probably 10 years ago to replace the existing pulls on those drawers and cabinets. A grand total of five to replace, if I'm not mistaken. They sat in my closet until a couple of years ago, when I decided to put them someplace more obvious, so I would see and change them.

Even if I had trouble finding the right size screwdriver and insisted on carefully cleaning each cabinet door before replacing the hardware, that's maybe a 30 minute project that I've been procrastinating about since roughly 2005.

And...

Truth be told, that little bag sitting in the corner is not the only thing standing between my bathroom and the pages of Homes Beautiful.

If I would just take an extra 10 minutes every so often to tend to this bathroom, it wouldn't look like this.

The same thing could be said for my office.

If only I would follow my own advice. 

If only I would focus on doing what I can, rather than on what I think others should do.

What piece of your own advice would improve your life, if you actually followed it?

The Soundtracks of Our Lives

I awoke this morning to the sound of Elaine Stritch belting out, "Here’s to the Ladies Who Lunch” from the Broadway show, Company. She wasn’t in my bedroom, of course. Nor was her voice coming from the radio or iPod. The sound was playing quite clearly in my head. I have no idea why.

 

This sort of occurrence is not unusual for me, especially when I'm not waking to an alarm. Sometimes, like this morning, a specific performance comes to mind. Other times it’s a particular piece of music, but not a specified rendition. Not all selections are high-minded. For example, the Purina Cat Chow jingle from their 70s television commercials makes periodic appearances. 

Music has accompanied me through life as far back as I can remember. If I pause during the day to consider what’s playing in my head, it might be anything from a magnificent symphony to whatever Muzak was playing on my last trip to the supermarket.

I was relieved to learn the term “earworm" a while back, not because I like it (I don’t) but because if society had come up with a label for this phenomenon, it meant I wasn’t the only one experiencing it. I wonder sometimes if pervasive involuntary musical imagery like mine is a musician thing or perhaps a indication of an auditory learner. Do visual artists awaken with particular colors or paintings in their awareness? 

I miss the days when I could call my dad with some obscure piece of chamber music in my ear that I couldn’t place. I could sing a theme fragment to him over the phone for instant identification. (Occasionally, he would go on to gently point out that I was singing it in the wrong key.) 

My mom once revealed to me that dad’s entrance exam to the Eastman School of Music, where he earned his Master’s Degree, included a listening portion in which excerpts were played of pieces that were not widely known. Candidates were not expected to name the pieces, but were asked to place each example in the correct musical period (baroque, classic, romantic, etc.) and suggest a possible composer of the work, based on its musical characteristics. My father, legend has it, identified each piece correctly, down to the Opus number. I can scarcely fathom the elaborate concerts which must have played in his mind on a daily basis.

My own internal performances tend to be less noteworthy. It’s as though someone installed a personal version of Pandora software in my brain. I don’t consciously control the selections or sequence, but they are clearly influenced by my history, and a “thumbs down” from me does not guarantee that we will immediately move on to something I like better. Often, ads or other interruptions are jarringly louder than my music.

 

I have been known to whine about not being able to turn off this music, especially when the soundtrack is cloying or just plain annoying, but there are far worse things to have on a loop in your mind. Imagine the terrifying internal sounds that might awaken a war veteran with PTSD or a young person whose PTSD is from the war within her own home.

Of course, not everything floating around in my mind is music. I re-live arguments, complete with some of the things I wish I had said in place of what I actually said. I also rehearse future conversations, including many that never play out in person. I ponder questions and worry about the state of our world, fully aware that worrying doesn’t help.

I wonder if there are ways to consciously influence our personal soundtracks? (Who knows, that may be the basis of my own Master’s thesis one day.) I have found that a regular meditation practice seems to lower the volume and level of chaos in my mind to something I can more easily deal with and helps me focus.

I’d love to hear from others about your personal soundtracks. Do inventors or entrepreneurs have so many new ideas flying through their heads that there is little room for music? I know that some composers hear their own music before they write it down. Do architects and designers “see” things in their minds much of the time?

Do the voices of parents, ancestors, or other authorities ever offer you internal guidance or instruction? (If so, do you find this helpful or troublesome?) Do you ever hear your own voice - speaking, singing, laughing, crying? Do you hear new songs? ...or old refrains?  I invite you to share something of your personal soundtrack in the comments.

Police Brutality and Violence in Our Communities

 

I’m going to venture into territory I’ve never written about publicly. I haven’t gone there because I haven’t known what to say. I have no tidy solution to offer. I'm not qualified or in any way equipped to fully address such an enormous and complex issue. I cannot even begin to scratch the surface of something like this in one little blog post. There are many others who can and have and will say it better, but I am writing because I can no longer keep silent on this topic.

I have written about the practice of mindfulness—a kind of paying attention. If one is committed to paying attention, there comes a point when you simply cannot ignore what is in front of you, no matter how uncomfortable it is. I have watched (admittedly from a considerable distance) over and over, as people—usually young men, often in African American communities--have been subjected to completely unacceptable treatment by law enforcement officers.

I don’t just mean someone put on handcuffs a little too tight. I’m talking about brutal beatings. Men shot in the back and killed. A man who died in a police choke hold while his final cries of “I can’t breathe!” were interpreted as resisting arrest. Most recently, a man’s spine was severed while in police custody. The list is far longer than this. Unless you live under a rock, you have seen the stories. Unfathomably, in many cases the response to incriminating video of police brutality has been to outlaw the video.

What finally makes it to our television screens is only the tip of the iceberg. Imagine the number of cases that are not captured on video and never make it to the national news. What do you think the impact of such relentless abuse of power would be on a community over time?

Yes, I know. We’d rather not imagine it. No one enjoys thinking about any of this. We’d rather assume they must be rare and isolated events. Those “bad apples” you hear about. Besides, the odds of that happening in our own front yard are remote, right? Maybe. Especially if you are white and live in a relatively affluent area. But maybe not as remote as you think. In any case, how can we justify looking the other way? How can we not speak up about it?

Many years ago, my own (white, middle class) family had a wake-up call. An eye-opening experience in our own friendly well-educated neighborhood abruptly put police brutality on our personal radar screen for the very first time, in a way my family could not ignore. Until that day, I could assume--on at least some level--that most people who were treated badly by the police were probably “asking for it” in some way.

After all, I was raised on Dragnet and Adam-12, where police were always scrupulously polite and followed policy to the letter. Sure, I knew they were only TV shows and that reality wasn’t so neat and clean, but I still believed that dealing with the police would come closer to a TV experience than the nightmare it turned out to be, in which an incriminating videotaped violent police interrogation mysteriously disappeared before it could be used in court.

My Facebook feed provides an interesting, if unscientific, snapshot of societal reaction to stories like the most recent news in Baltimore. Of course, there are people posting news stories and a wide range of commentary. Social media is how many of us get a significant portion of our news these days. There are friends who live in or near Baltimore working to help clean up the mess and who despair not only over the violence that threatens their community, but over the media and public reaction to it and the way it so often misses the deeper underlying issues by dismissing violent protests as simply foolish, crazy, or “thuggish” behavior. There are clergy organizing peaceful protests and pointing to the thousands of peaceful protesters in Baltimore who were not widely featured in the news. There are even people who complain bitterly that they have to even see such unpleasantness in their news feeds. How do you suppose that compares to the unpleasantness of seeing your friend murdered in the streets by policemen or your business destroyed in riots?

It is unspeakably tragic that violent protests do far more violence to the already afflicted communities in which they occur than to the subject of those protests. One thing that made the non-violent civil rights movement led by Dr. King and others in the 60s so powerful was how their leaders understood the way violence reaches even beyond the already considerable damage to property and personal injury within the community. It also destroys the fabric and reputations of those communities in a way that makes it easier for those at a distance to dismiss them as problem areas where police may be justified in acting in a military rather than law-enforcement capacity. It further reinforces racial stereotypes. And it gives everyone an excuse to take our eyes off the ball and NOT address the systemic issues that underlie the whole mess - the cancer that has been eating away at these communities for far too long, weakening community immune systems to the point that triggering their inflammatory defenses ends up doing even more harm.

It’s easy to condemn breaking windows, looting, or setting a car or pharmacy ablaze. It’s easy to shame people who are behaving violently and yet minimize the context of that violence. It’s not easy to figure out what to tell the children at school in those neighborhoods the next day (or whenever they are allowed to return to school) about what is going on in their communities—children who learn at an early age that there is no safe place they can go and no one they can trust—especially the police. Unless the cycle is interrupted, many of these very children will grow up to be men and women who experience mistreatment firsthand and whom the justice system will again fail miserably. Some percentage of them will not handle that impossible situation well. We need a better strategy than commiserating on social media about what horrible "thugs" we think they are.

How to channel anger and frustration into constructive expression? How to deal with legitimate fear? How to communicate with people who seem to be our polar opposites yet with whom we must share this planet? How to deal with a badly biased or corrupt system? These questions at least begin to touch on the heart of the issue--the source of an infection which, unattended for too long, has brought forth an overzealous inflammatory response.

While I have no one-size-fits-all solution to propose, many of us could start by taking an unflinching and non-defensive look at the problem and then at least one small additional step in a useful direction. There are people who have been studying these issues and collecting data and real life stories for a long time. Read some of them—find more than a sound-byte of information to consider. Speak with (and actively listen to) people who have a different window into the situation than you do, especially if they are closer to it by virtue of their actual lived experience. Notice when you reflexively feel the impulse to defend, and examine that. It’s easy to spot in others but can be harder to face in ourselves, yet defensiveness or redirection (such as name calling) is not a path to understanding or truly improving any situation.

There’s a huge temptation to be an armchair quarterback and pontificate about what those people over there need to do or stop doing. A more useful question might be, What can I do to help? What conversations can I have or stop having (on social media or elsewhere)? Are there relevant facts I haven’t considered? Have I made assumptions without considering important information? What can I learn more about? How are these issues being addressed in our schools and how might I help with that? What legislation might I support or oppose or let others know about?

My own family encounter with law enforcement overreach years ago forced me to take another look at the previously distant and somewhat vague reports I had heard of police crossing the line. Much like childbirth horror stories, as soon as you have one yourself, a million others come out of the woodwork, and you realize just how real and disconcertingly common they are. Even when you allow for a little fisherman’s tale exaggeration, clearly there is more going on than you were previously tapped into.

It’s time to tap in, whether we think we have been personally affected or not. It’s time to get at the roots and not just the tops of the weeds. It’s time to recognize how our own assumptions or attitudes or inaction may be making matters worse--or at least not making them any better. It’s time to STOP letting our own discomfort or politics or anything else get in the way of addressing a completely unacceptable situation.

What small (or not-so-small) step can you take? Can you read a relevant article which you usually wouldn’t? …have a conversation or make a phone call you would typically avoid?  …listen where you might ordinarily tune out, dismiss, or become defensive? …volunteer in a school or community center? …check into legislation about (and the pros and cons of) body-worn cameras for police or citizens using cell phones to record events? …read some of Michelle Alexander’s work on the far-reaching and downright shocking affects mass incarceration is having on black communities in particular?

What ideas can you add to these? If this problem became a nation-wide priority for EVERYONE, approached with more than band-aids, we could absolutely put a stop to it.  ALL of our communities would be safer and better communities, as a result. But it’s not going to happen by itself. We have to stem the tide. If you have been sitting on the sidelines on this one (as I confess I sometimes have), it’s time to get in the game. Real human lives are at stake.

2015: Emerging

Last year was quite a roller coaster. The tragic grand finale was the loss of my father to heart failure, after 20 years of serious health problems. His funeral was December 27th. We had lost mom to cancer only 18 months prior. Having focused on the care of my parents for so long, ushering in a new year feels a bit like emerging from a cave after three years. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it or what to expect.

I had not planned to engage in popular new year preparations like making resolutions, poking fun at resolutions, setting intentions (so as to avoid calling them resolutions) or choosing a word for the coming year as a theme or focus. Still reeling from the past few especially difficult weeks, I felt ill-prepared to do any of those things and was hardly in the mood to sign up for some clever word-choosing app or Start Your New Year Right workshop or another of the tiresome offers flooding my email and heavily promoted on social media.

Quite by accident (or perhaps not at all by accident, depending on your feelings about such things...) I came upon a comment in a Facebook group in which a friend shared that she had selected the word "emerge" for 2015. Her chosen word met unexpected resonance within me. After a day or two of pondering, I decided to adopt it, as well. Word or no word, 2015 will necessarily be--in at least some ways--a year of emergence for me. I'm still feeling too sad at this point to describe myself as excited about that, but I am, at the very least, curious about how things will unfold.

I had been the one member of our family to miraculously avoid the colds and flu so many struggled with in November and December. By January, however, the weeks of worry and not sleeping enough had taken their toll on my immune system, and by the evening of January 1st, I was quite ill.

Not being able to keep food down for the first 48 hours of the new year is a bit like getting that first ding on your brand new car the same day you drive it off the lot. It's terribly distressing in the moment, but, once you get past it, there's almost a sense of relief that you've gone ahead and gotten it over with. The pressure for everything to remain perfect as long as possible has already been relieved.

Ironically, I had made a renewed commitment to self-care immediately after dad's death. I tried to take proper care of myself before dad died, for that matter, but when you are dealing with intense situations, as we were in dad's final months, there are limits to what is reasonable or even possible. There is no shortage of people telling you to take care of yourself, of course, but generally those reminders are unhelpful, at that point.

Rather than constantly weighing the deluge of advice from outside sources, I'm making an effort to better tune in to what my own body and spirit are telling me. In an effort to do just that, when I got sick on New Year's Day, I really tried to pay attention. Did I need water? Rest? Stillness? Activity? Music? Quiet? Darkness? Warmth?

Thankfully, I am feeling much better, now, but I want to continue to tune in to what is mostly likely to keep me on a path of health and wholeness, moving forward. A useful question for me to consider periodically has been, "What are the lessons in this?" I'm learning that asking myself in a compassionate rather than judgmental way yields far more useful information. So far, the answers apply to getting over a virus as well as to the process of grieving:

Go slowly.

Be gentle.

Deep breaths.

Plenty of water.

Be selective.

Small bites/portions/steps.

Rest often.

Take care.

Use as much (or as little) support as needed.

Keep listening.

When you have spent a long while deep inside a cave, and it's finally time to head back out into civilization, with its bright lights and changing weather conditions, surely the list above is worth being mindful of, as you emerge.

Mindful Monday - Noticing Beauty

I've mentioned my gratitude practice of writing five things that I'm thankful for in a journal each night. It's a simple thing to do, but over time the resulting shift in mindset has been profound. It's a way to train myself to watch for good things.

Too often we fall into the habit of doing just the opposite. It's understandable, really. We watch for what's wrong so we can fix or avoid it (or--let's face it--complain about it). There's value in doing some of that. Parents teach children to watch where they are going so they don't step into holes or walk into walls or get run over by trucks.

I'm not taking issue with watching out for dangerous stuff. It's just that, somewhere along the line, in constantly being alert to the things that might cause trouble or need attention, we push what is good and waiting to be enjoyed further and further into the background. If we aren't careful, we can lose touch with it entirely.

Mark Twain once said, "To the man with a hammer, everything looks like a nail."  We have become a society of hammer-holders, watching for things to whack.

But here's the hopeful part...

Now that fancy cell phones have become standard equipment, most of us also walk around with cameras. Of course, you can take pictures of anything with a camera, but we especially enjoy taking photos of people and things we love. And digital photography makes it easy to take and share many more of these beautiful pictures than would have been practical with film.

The fastest growing social media sites now are the ones like Instagram and Pinterest, which emphasize beautiful photos and other visuals. Twitter has recently done a major overhaul that puts far more emphasis on photos than "tweets" alone. On Facebook, engagement goes WAY up when you post a photo with your commentary, while articles without thumbnails are ignored. The same is true for blog posts. No one wants to read a blog without pictures.

There's no question that our society is becoming more visually oriented (a real challenge for the visually impaired). Wouldn't it be nice if we could become more beauty oriented, while we are at it? How might the cameras, personal recorders, and music players we carry around in our cell phones facilitate such a shift?

If listing gratitudes every night doesn't appeal to you, but paying attention to the beauty that surrounds you does, consider using that device to help you document goodness of various kinds. Snap a photo of at least one thing you like each day, no matter how small, and post it to Instagram. Or record beautiful sounds you hear. You could also use a voice recorder (or pen and paper!) to describe things that feel, smell, or taste wonderful--fresh rain, soft grass, warm sun, sweet peaches--as you experience them. 

The possibilities are endless, but the point is to find ways to be mindful of what is already good in your life, and focus more of your energy there.

I'd love to hear other ways you have found to do this. Maybe gardening, cooking, painting, or reading poetry? If you have an Instagram and/or Pinterest account you'd like to share, please include it in the comments below. (I'm lroseen on Instagram and Lenora Roseen on Pinterest.)

One way or another, let's pay attention to the beauty in our lives. 

Mindful Monday - Procrastination

Ironically, this is a blog post I intended to write last Monday, until things got a little crazy. I almost called it, "One More Thing X 1000," inspired by my all-too-predictable difficulty getting out the door in a reasonable amount of time when heading from Asheville, NC back to Atlanta, GA.

Getting ready to go is not a new challenge for me, but I do find it particularly difficult when I'm leaving town because the ramifications of forgetting about something can be even more problematic if it will be days or weeks before I return.

All I have to do to activate an entire ONE MORE THING chain reaction is announce (or even think!) that I'm almost ready to leave. It works much like those annoying spring loaded dispensers you now find in grocery stores and pharmacies that automatically advance the remaining merchandise (yogurt, cold medicine, pantyhose...) as soon as you remove the item in the front. Similarly, as soon as I do the one last thing prompted by putting my hand on the doorknob to leave, another urgent "to do" will spring up in my face.

I've been thinking about how mindfulness might be of value in dealing with this uncomfortable tendency.

The more things I fail to do on time, the more I kick myself for not acting sooner. Meanwhile, the clutter continues to pile up, and the to do list gets longer and longer. It is important to take responsibility for our actions, but if berating ourselves for shortcomings was an effective motivator, I would have stopped procrastinating a long time ago. By the time the question, "WHY DO I ALWAYS DO THIS?" is echoing inside my head, it has ceased to be a genuine inquiry.

Maybe I should ask myself the same question without the caps lock and when I'm not so pressed for time. [Note: If there is never a moment when I'm not pressed for time, that's a clue.]

A key to mindfulness is non-judgment in present moment awareness. Self-judgment is far more paralyzing than enlightening. If I can avoid the quicksand of judgment, there's a better chance I can get to the bottom of things via open and honest inquiry into what is going on.

Mindfulness Meditation is also known as Insight Meditation. I used to wonder why. Having now spent some time in this practice, I understand that mindfulness often leads to insight.

One of the lessons of mindfulness for me is how often my habitual patterns turn out to be diversions--smoke screens that obscure something else I'm avoiding. What I'm doing may be justifiable at face value, but on another level it keeps me in a state of turmoil that provides an excuse not to tackle other important things.

When we inquire without judgment, there is no need to become defensive, and once we stop defending our misery, we can start to make new choices.

Surely, the first step in initiating positive change is seeing things for what they are. In fact, the acceptance of unembellished reality is a major change in itself. Once we step out of the drama, even briefly, we can make additional changes (or mindfully choose not to) based on how things truly are, rather than on the talking points we've developed for ourselves--the narratives we design to justify our stuckness.

What if we let it be okay to be stuck for a while? What if it's just as okay not to be stuck anymore? What if I choose to act from curiosity instead of anger? What if I let go of the need to minimize or exaggerate? What if I stop apologizing or justifying and simply accept the reality of my present experience, understanding that it need not determine my future, in spite of my past?

It seems to me that staying focused on the present (or returning to it when I inevitably stray) allows optimal energy to be applied to the matter at hand and to the very next appropriate action.

Put more simply: Obsessing over our mistakes doesn't provide protection from consequences or the judgments of others. It only keeps us from clearly assessing situations and implementing effective solutions. It channels power away from creative and productive realms and toward destructive ones.

A case could be made that writing a blog post about procrastination is just another example of dwelling on a problem rather than finding solutions. And if all I do is write about procrastination? Sure. I've stopped short of meaningful progress.

I submit, however, that dwelling with a problem--sitting down with it long enough to let the chaff fall away and discover its heart and complexity and nuance--is usually better than a knee-jerk reaction. Understanding a problem is an essential first step that we foolishly try to skip. We can't--and shouldn't--ponder a problem indefinitely or understand everything there is to know before taking action, but most of us could use a little more thoughtful dwelling, and a lot less mindless reaction.

Reactions aren't typically even about solutions; they are about avoidance. We can't escape what is, but we sure try. Pain. Grief. Shame. Fear. We do whatever we can to numb those emotions, distract ourselves from them, or run away from them entirely. It doesn't work, though. More often than not, it just adds another layer of muck to be dealt with.

This has become a pretty heavy post for such a seemingly light topic, hasn't it?

Here's the thing: Sometimes not wanting to vacuum is just about not wanting to vacuum; other times it's about more than that. If you frequently find yourself putting off things that need to be done, the best way I know to find out which it is, is to sit with it.

Sit there and BE with not wanting to _____________ .
Dwell with it. Listen deeply. Find out what's going on.

You can fill in the blank above with anything from vacuuming to turning off the television to calling your mom to finding a new job to ending a dysfunctional relationship to going to AA or Al-Anon.

If you don't have much practice with mindfulness, it's nice when you can begin with the easy stuff, then start to apply that gained experience to the harder stuff. So, if you aren't in crisis? By all means, start by considering why you don't want to vacuum. Become aware of your feelings about it. But don't be surprised if, when you reach down into the "easy" stuff, you discover other stuff inside.

Mindful Monday - Refreshment

This morning, the idea came to me of mindfulness as a sort of real life auto-refresh. Admittedly, it's not the most elegant of metaphors, but I think it kinda works. If I sit at my computer and check email when the page has not been refreshed recently, I won't be acting on the best information available, so I may devote unnecessary energy to a problem which has already been resolved or miss something more important that just happened.

Now that my computer (another metaphor...) is older and the memory is often over-taxed, clicking the refresh icon isn't always enough. Sometimes, I have to restart in order to get things moving again.

I'm not saying we should be afraid to walk away from our computers or cell phones for fear we will miss something; I'm suggesting there is considerable value in finding ways to tune in to what is happening in the here-and-now and that if we want to function well, we need to refresh ourselves regularly and restart occasionally.

Last January, I set some intentions for 2014 and decided to use this blog as a weekly check-in, to track progress on my goals. My central focus for the year was (and is) mindfulness, so many of my resolutions had a mindfulness component, such as a daily meditation practice and more mindful eating and moving. My list was fairly long, and I soon discovered that I couldn't consistently tackle everything at the same time.

Now half a year beyond those winter resolutions, some still resonate while others have faded in value to me. I could double down on my original list, or I could refresh the screen and consider whether a shift in some of my January priorities may, in fact, be perfectly appropriate by June.

A subtle but important lesson which mindfulness is teaching me is that, while goals still have their place because many worthwhile endeavors take considerable time to accomplish, it's unwise to hold those goals too tightly. We learn new things. The landscape changes. Priorities shift.

If God (or any wise and trusted source) gives us clear guidance on January 1 to head down a particular path and we become so excited that we immediately vow to spend the rest of our lives plowing ahead on that course to the exclusion of all else, is that the best approach? What if we instead set out on that same path, but in a more mindful way, continuing to listen for guidance while noticing what happens as we go along and pausing for refreshment from time to time? The answer seems obvious when you spell it out that way, but not when we are immersed in all too common self-defeating habits.

I like the word refreshment and the images evoked by it: splashing in a crystal clear pool or enjoying a cool drink of clean water... perhaps a long satisfying nap or walk in nature. Even something as simple as a smile or beautiful photograph can be refreshing. I have come to regard journaling, meditation practice, devotional time, and gratitude as essential forms of refreshment for me.

Taking these steps is more than just a matter of comfort or wanting to feel pampered. When we are overdue for refreshment, we become difficult to deal with and no longer think clearly. Communication is labored; exchanges become gridlocked. Rather than opening to new possibilities, we dig in, categorically refusing to reconsider our positions in any way. We operate from fear, resentment, obligation, and judgment. It's not a healthy place to be, but sadly this posture has become commonplace, as any political or religious discourse in the public square will quickly confirm.

I'm happy to report that this past weekend was quite refreshing for me. I had some wonderful meals and got to watch fireworks with someone I love. I also spent time gazing at the mountains and did a little more meditating than usual. None of these activities made my to do list any shorter or eliminated my concerns about the future, but all have helped to renew my strength and re-align my thinking while reminding me what truly matters most in my life.

How do you refresh or completely start over when you need to? Do you have a mental list to consult of effective ways to consciously do so? Ideally, the time to formulate such a list is well before we are desperate for it. I invite your comments below.

Mindful Monday - Memory Lane

I have long been fascinated by memory and curious about how it works. When we try to recall something that doesn't spring readily to mind, what exactly is it that we are doing? And how do particular things, like an old photo or the smell of freshly mown grass, suddenly activate a host of memories I haven't thought about in years?

My brother and I recently reconnected with a childhood friend from the neighborhood we grew up in. Somehow, he came across my mother's obituary online and contacted us. Shortly thereafter, my brother decided to drive through our old neighborhood and make some photos.

Not surprisingly, much has changed in 50 years, but seeing the photographs has rekindled so many memories--a million tiny moments, a favorite sundress, the scent of Sea & Ski, making ice cream, Christmas lights, coloring Easter eggs, delivering newspapers, crab apples, hula hoops, our first color television, Ed Sullivan, cartwheels on the lawn. The parade of memories is endless.

How does all this reminiscing fit with a mindfulness practice that focuses on present moment awareness? I'm not sure. But I'm noticing how memories make me feel and what arises in me when I consider them. I'm learning (or perhaps re-learnng) some lessons about attachment and the inevitability of change. It's also interesting to consider which things seemed important at the time compared to what feels important in retrospect.

As for the rest of my weekly mindfulness check-in? Well, it hasn't been very impressive. I haven't been eating mindfully or moving/exercising much. Even my meditation practice, the one thing I've been pretty consistent about since the first of the year, has been all over the map. I haven't done much reading or writing. Mostly I've been reflecting and sitting with the reflecting.

And so, we begin again...
     Back to the mat. 
           Back to the breath.
                 Back to the present moment. 

Mindful Monday - One Year

This time last year, I was staring the unthinkable in the face: My beloved mother was about to die. Doris Joan Alderman Holloway left this world on June 18, 2013, and the year of treatment between her diagnosis and that day was perhaps the most intensive mindfulness workshop I could (n)ever have signed up for. Suddenly, it felt so important to take note of everything, savor every opportunity.

I think of mom every day, but I've known all along that what our mother would want is for us to go on with our lives and be good to one another.

Conventional wisdom holds that the first year following the loss of a loved one is the hardest, but a friend mentioned that she thought the third year after her mother died might have been the hardest yet for her, at least in some ways. I felt a surge of panic at the thought that it could get even harder, but I remind myself that if we make it through one year without mother physically with us, we can make it through another.

I do wonder sometimes if I talk about mom (or her death) too much. I told myself when I sat down to work on my blog post that I should instead write about something more cheerful and interesting to others, but mom is on my heart this week. I'll understand if some readers choose to skip this particular post.

When Bill and I were planning our wedding years ago, some of the best advice I got was not to get so caught up in the preparations and implementation that I, in essence, missed my own wedding. I was surprised by how many friends confided in me that the big day which they had dreamed about for so long was little more than a blur by the time they finally got through it. I'm not sure how familiar I was with the concept of mindfulness back then, but when I heard that, I made up my mind that I was going to be as fully present as I could for our wedding day, which I still remember as truly the most joyful of my life.

That wise counsel has served me at other key points in my life since our wedding. I've learned that setting an intention to be present really does make a difference, whether for a wedding or a funeral--in a time of great joy or of deepest sorrow. My decision to establish mindfulness as a theme for the year 2014 was, in part, an attempt to carry that intention beyond those peak and valley occasions into my day-to-day living.

Grief has its own timetable, and every experience with it is unique, but my central intent since mom's passing has been to simply be with my own grief as it occurs and notice what is happening, inside and out. I don't want to repress my grief and sorrow or push it away; nor do I want to magnify it or offer it undue power. I want to acknowledge grief respectfully and compassionately without giving it license to take over my life as weeds can overtake a garden. There are moments, however, when it's a bit like trying to walk a tightrope. It is especially tricky when the wind blows.

I recently re-visited the display at the Tallulah Falls Interpretive Center about Karl Wallenda's crossing of Tallulah Gorge, which I watched nervously on live TV as a child. In that line of work, you can't watch your feet, but it's also important not to focus too far ahead. There are no shortcuts, and there is no rushing. Once you are out there, if you want to get to the other side, you have to patiently cross one step at a time, whether the wind is blowing or not.

I've been aware of so many "firsts" as they have come along in the past year without mom--our first Christmas, dad's first wedding anniversary without his wife by his side... Then yesterday, on dad's first solo Father's Day, as I wrote the date on his card, I realized how close we were to the one-year mark. There are times when I feel almost like I'm 4 years old again, and I can't believe my beautiful mommy is gone.

Our mother can never leave us completely, of course. I believe her spirit lives on. We have enduring memories and treasured photographs to enjoy. And we have more than that: Mom's greatest legacy is everything that she taught us--and continues to teach us--in a million different ways, some of which I'm still discovering. Being mindful of those lessons allows me to stay close to my mother, year after year.

Mindful Monday - Food

I'm trying to be mindful about food this year, even though I haven't been motivated to eat particularly well--at least, not consistently. Mindful eating doesn't require that I eat or avoid certain foods or even that I limit portions. Rather, it asks me to pay careful attention to food and how it affects me.

This means not mindlessly shoving snacks in my mouth while watching television or gobbling down almost anything quickly before running out the door if I'm late. It includes stopping to notice the way food smells and feels, its look and texture. It also involves paying attention to when I'm hungry and when I'm not and whether or not I stop eating once I'm satisfied. What are my food triggers? Anxiety? Sadness? Worry?

It's amazing how much there is to notice once you get serious about eating this way. I already spend a lot of time reading labels whenever I shop for my dad's groceries because his medical conditions necessitate so many dietary restrictions, but it has slowly dawned on me that in order to eat mindfully, I have to know what it is that I'm putting in my own mouth and read more labels on the food I ingest. Since I don't have a degree in chemistry or nutrition, label reading often leads to research. Thank goodness for smart phones with internet access!

For months, I've been trying to eat mindfully, yet choosing not to moderate my diet very much. I just wasn't in the mood to do what it takes to lose excess weight. The one positive affect of my mindfulness practice thus far has been taking care that the foods I splurge on are worthy of the splurge. Mindful eating discourages a lot of junk food because when you pay close attention, most of that stuff really does look, smell, feel, and/or taste like junk.

I'm reporting on all of this in such detail today, because I think I may have reached critical mass. After months of not being in the mood to eat healthfully, something seems to be shifting. I'm not sure if it's the cumulative affect of mindful eating or more a matter of finally reaching the time of year when I have access to far more appealing fresh fruits and veggies. It probably doesn't hurt that a long series of special (splurge-worthy!) occasions is finally behind me. But, for whatever combination of reasons, I find myself in the mood to eat better.

In the past couple of weeks, I've been reading about nutrition and fitness and listening to interviews with doctors, nutritionists, and other health professionals. I'm not ready to announce any new resolutions or big weight-loss goals, but here are some things I genuinely do want to work on: eating plenty of local produce, drinking more water, shifting to a higher proportion of plant-based foods in my diet, incorporating more healthy fats (high quality olive oil, coconut oil, nuts & seeds), fewer grains and other highly processed foods, less refined sugar, and fewer chemicals/additives.

Obviously, there are more healthy food rules I could add to this list, but I want to stick with choices that I believe to be sustainable for me. As a compliment to better eating, I also want to walk more, do some yoga again, and maybe even do a little weight training.

 I'm continuing to meditate each day, and I'm still interested in reading, writing, and several other things I've talked about on other Mindful Mondays, but for right now I want to concentrate my attention on food and see where that leads.

What is your approach to eating? Do you find it easier to eat well in the summer than in winter? What helps you eat healthfully? If you have experiences to share, I'd love to hear them.