Mindful Monday - Spring Cleaning

Plants of Promise Garden - North Carolina Arboretum

For my Monday check-in, I'm happy to report that, although there's snow in the forecast tonight, there have been many signs of spring this past week: lots of robins, daffodils, cherry blossoms, forsythia and other colorful flowers. I even managed to do a little spring cleaning!


Unfortunately, I've discovered that very few of my spring clothes fit. I've been walking regularly and eating more carefully for the past week, but it will take more than a few days to solve this dilemma, so mindful eating will be a priority for a while.

I've been sitting for mindfulness or insight meditation at least 20 minutes daily, sometimes adding a second guided meditation at another point in the day. My Lenten practice this year is to spend time with nature every day, and on three occasions I've been able to go to the North Carolina Arboretum to walk and meditate, which was really wonderful.

I haven't read as much as I'd like to, but I've made good use of books on CD, since I've been in the car a lot. I want to do more writing, as well. Once the warm weather stabilizes it would be nice to write outside.

Mom at Magnolia Plantation & Gardens

Flowers and gardens always remind me of mom, which is bittersweet, since this is the first spring she isn't here to enjoy with us. Last March I took her to Charleston. At the time, we hoped she would have better days ahead. Once it became clear that was not the case, one of the first things she said was that she was glad we had taken our trip.

I still think of mom every day and get teary from time to time. So many of my friends are going through this process with a parent, and I think of them often, as well. I'm trying to learn to just sit with whatever emotions come up in my meditation sessions--neither pushing them away nor clinging to them. Learning to observe emotions (and other things) without judgment is going to take more practice, but I do feel a sense of progress.

How about you? What's on your mind as spring arrives? Are there goals or practices you are working on or considering? Please feel free to check in, using the comments here.

Mindful Monday - Feeling Lucky?

My Monday Check-In for St. Patrick's Day is nothing to write home about. Walking and water drinking have been inconsistent, at best. Clutter clearing has been limited. And there were 3 nights in a row when I didn't get nearly enough sleep. I've done a little writing but not much reading. So there are no gold stars in my self-care report card for the past week.

My chosen word/focus for 2014, however, was mindfulness, and since January I have been consistent in my daily meditation practice for the first time in years. I am meditating for longer periods than I was when I started. My mind doesn't seem to wander any less, so I can't say I feel any more skilled at it. What I do notice, however, is that I am generally less reactive throughout the day. My buttons are not as easily pushed as they were three months ago.

This time last March, mom would soon enter hospice care, and I was with her almost 24/7. This year, the focus has shifted to my dad, who continues to cope with kidney failure, heart disease, diabetes and a host of other health concerns, even as he struggles with the loss of his caregiver and wife of 55 years along with the sense of control over his life.

At his own insistence, dad still lives somewhat independently, but he calls frequently and often requires assistance, occasionally on very short notice. He needs frequent reminders and reassurance and tends to ask the same questions (and tell the same stories) over and over.
 

I remind myself how lucky I am to still be able to hear his voice each day and spend time with him often. Yet, especially on days when my brother and I get repeated calls from dad, it's hard not to view them as interruptions. It's also frustrating when--in spite of all those calls--dad makes arrangements involving us without consulting us or the calendar. (As you might guess, these minor examples are only the tip of a large iceberg.)
 
While things pile up from neglect at my own house, I find myself wanting to hurry to try to get dad's needs taken care of so I can get back to my life. But, of course, caring for our father is an integral part of my life, just as providing for us was a part of his for so many years.

My mini-epiphany this past weekend was an extension of something I've learned from doing guided meditations for (physical or emotional) pain. When we try to resist pain, we only make it bigger. If we acknowledge our pain, and especially when we can hold it in non-judgmental awareness and relax a bit, it tends to recede on its own. Sometimes it dissolves entirely.

If I spend all my time and energy with my dad resisting--scrambling to get off the phone or back home as quickly as possible--it never works. He senses that I am easing toward the door or needing to hang up and will begin to flood the conversation with dozens of urgent requests. But when I can attend to the present moment with dad, even if in that moment I need to calmly re-define boundaries, the result almost always leaves both of us less anxious.

It's hard to explain the connection, but there is something about daily mindfulness or insight meditation that seems to facilitate this shift toward being more present even in difficult situations, neither resisting nor pushing--a non-anxious presence in the face of adversity.

I was reminded during an interview with Ann Rae that I watched from Jonathan Fields' Good Life Project that depression can be an indication that we are focusing too much attention on the past, just as chronic anxiety can be an indication of too much energy focused on the future. That's something I'm making an effort to notice.

So, although I'm neither Irish nor Google, and my 2014 resolution track record is thoroughly unimpressive, I'm still feeling lucky... for this time with our dad, for a loving and supportive husband, for friends familiar with this caregiving journey who uphold me with prayers and good wishes, and for the lessons of meditation, in which we have the opportunity in any moment to gently begin again by coming home come to the present moment.

I'd love to hear how you are feeling this Mindful Monday.

Mindful Monday - Springing Forward

How was the past week for you? What were your Mindful Moments? Do you have a particular focus for the coming week? What are you most looking forward to?

My week didn't unfold as I expected. Somehow, "losing" an hour due to Daylight Saving Time felt like the icing on that cake, but ultimately everything turned out fine. One happy side-effect of my meditation practice is that I am beginning to hold things a bit more loosely and, in some cases, roll with the unexpected without the level of anxiety I once had.

I'm feeling excited about the coming of spring. This has been a challenging winter for much of the country, so I suspect I'm not alone in my sense of anticipation. I've loved noticing the tiny buds on trees and seeing the Lenten roses and early daffodils blooming. I even decided several days ago to become a member of the North Carolina Arboretum.

I've done more walking recently, which is one of my health goals, and I'm in the second week of Sharon Salzberg's 28-day program on meditation from her book, Real Happiness. Week 2 introduces walking meditations, so the timing was perfect. It's nice when priorities align in such a way that you can address two or more at the same time.

The tools I talked about last Monday are still helping me. In addition to the book mentioned above, the apps I use to track how much water I drink and to time my daily meditations continue to be surprisingly motivating and make it easy to do.

In the car, I've been listening to Pema Chödrön CDs which I checked out from the library. It's a recording of a winter workshop she led at the monastery in Nova Scotia where she lives and teaches, and I'm finding it quite interesting. Also, after a couple of years of thinking about taking a free course at Coursera.org, I finally signed up for one that starts in another week. So I'm definitely associating spring with new growth of more than one kind.

I'm a little stalled with the clutter clearing, so I'm going to try to do more of that this week. I'd also like to do more writing in the next few days. Much of the writing I did this week was note-taking, which is great, but doesn't take the place of writing from the heart.

That was my week. I can't wait to hear about yours and find out what you are looking forward to.

Mindful Monday - the right tools

I've often heard it said that you have to find the right tool for the job, and I'm pleased to have found several helpful tools as I continue to explore the theme of Mindfulness for 2014 and work on my various resolutions. I'm using these Monday blog posts to check-in and inviting others to report on their progress, as well.

I've done a little better than last week, I think. Having found that the app I use to keep track of meditation sessions with my phone is considerably more motivating than I anticipated, I recently scouted out another free app to track my fluid intake. I haven't been drinking enough water lately, and Waterlogged has helped a great deal. I find that being mindful of how much water I drink also leads me to be more mindful of other food and beverage, so I definitely ate better last week.

I also did more walking--including one half hour walk in a cold misty rain.  I'm almost never willing to walk very much in bad weather, but I finally had some momentum going that I wanted to continue. So that also felt like progress.

Clutter clearing has been pretty slow, of late, but I did do a little. I'm not struggling with perfectionism as much as I used to, and I credit my continued daily meditation practice with that. I'd like to do more reading and writing, but I'm finding that if I want to get around to all the things I've decided are important, I'm going to have to rotate my focus, somehow. Realistically, my list of resolutions is too long and varied this year to maintain all of them at full throttle, alongside my other responsibilities and interests.

I have felt more mindful than I did the week before, when I sort of went off the rails. I'm particularly pleased to have regained my balance somewhat, rather than giving up. Meditation is a daily reminder that veering off track from time to time is inevitable. What matters is strengthening the habit of making mid-course corrections. Guiding our attention back to the breath is a metaphor for something we do in a broader sense every day, as we notice we are straying from the task at hand or an important priority, when we gently re-focus.

I'm figuring out that the "gently" part is very important for a number of reasons, one of which is that when we get bent out of shape over the need to re-adjust, those harsh reactions can easily become added distractions. Berating ourselves (or others) for not doing something well enough doesn't help us do it better. On the contrary, it further competes for our energy and focus and often initiates extremely unproductive blame-and-shame cycles. Before long, you have more to overcome than failing to accomplish a relatively simple task.

Overly-dramatic negative reactions also make you feel awful, and who wants to sign up for that? If I feel horrible about myself whenever I try to  ________ (diet, clean, meditate.... whatever), I'll eventually stop trying. In meditation, it's always possible to gently begin again, in the moment, with this very breath. Not only are there 2nd and 3rd chances, but an endless number. Returning to the breath--no matter how many times--is not an interruption of the practice; it is the practice.
 
I've discovered a book (with an accompanying CD) by Sharon Salzberg that has helped me understand this concept more clearly, as well as offering practical tips for meditation, including some variations from the basic practice. The book is laid out as a 28-day program, so I decided to start it March 1st and will report further as I work my way through it.

In short, I'm feeling better about this past week than the previous one, and finding tools such as Ms. Salzberg's book/CD set and a couple of useful smartphone apps helped to make the difference. 

How are things going for you? What tools have you come across to assist you on your journey?