I'm finding the Insight Timer app that I've been using during meditation to be more valuable than I anticipated. Not only does it let me know when my 12 minutes are up, but it tracks a few statistics for me, like how many days in a row I've meditated and my total meditation time accrued.
At first, I wasn't very interested in those features, but now that I've spent over 12 hours meditating with the app since downloading it, I'm finding the stats a useful and concrete reminder that little things really do add up. Besides, as silly as it sounds, even the small reward of seeing my progress charted over time somehow affirms my inner tortoise and makes my slow-and-steady efforts feel more worthwhile.
It dawned on me a few days ago that I had forgotten about the "do more reading" part of my new year's resolutions. I read a small non-fiction book at the beginning of the year and then started a novel, only to become side-tracked. I picked up Pema Chodron's latest book last week at the library and was about 25 pages in to it, when I remembered the abandoned novel.
Once again, hardly a picture of mindfulness.
I'm still only six weeks into this little experiment of mine, so I am far from ready to draw any conclusions, but I continue to believe that meditation is beneficial for me--if not in some of the ways I expected. I say this as someone who has meditated in the past, so I had at least some basis for my assumptions about the practice. But the landscape of my life has changed in the meantime, so perhaps I shouldn't be surprised that my meditation experience would be different, as well.
I still feel as "absent-minded" as ever: I forget things. I publish obvious typos. I get frustrated. And yet, in a hard-to-describe way, I continue to feel less reactive and at the mercy of other people and circumstances than I did even two months ago. Maybe that's just the difference between December and February. But I think it's more than that.
I also feel surprisingly neutral about the new year's resolutions I made that are coming along even more slowly, like reading more and losing weight. (To be clear, I never claimed weightloss as a resolution for 2014, but it was my hope and expectation that more mindful eating would have that beneficial side effect.) I haven't given up on those goals, but I don't feel as all-or-nothing about the things I want to accomplish as I used to. That alone is progress! I am more willing to shift my priorities without apology, when it feels appropriate.
How much credit to give to mindfulness meditation for these shifts, I still don't know, but after months of trying unsuccessfully to make myself meditate regularly, I am now quite motivated about it. While it is an understatement to say I don't feel at all accomplished as a practitioner, after months of unexplained resistance, I'm relieved to report that meditating now feels much less like a "should" and has become something I usually look forward to.
I'm curious to know about your experience with meditation. Do you meditate? (Or have you in the past?) What is/was your experience of it? Do you find it valuable for you, personally? How has your experience of meditation changed over time?
Still having some problems calming my mind, but continuing to try.
ReplyDeleteDorie, from what I understand from people who know far more about meditation than I do, the mind doesn't clear. It's not the nature of our minds to be void of thought. I mean, maybe monks who meditate for hours each day get to that point in their training, but the way I now understand it, it's a little bit of a misconception that the goal is to clear the mind. The goal is present moment awareness (as opposed to remaining mentally caught in the past or present). Each time you notice that this drift is happening, you are being mindful. So rather than try to eliminate thoughts, we simply notice them and non-judgmentally guide them back to the present--typically to the breath, but it can also be to a mantra or to sounds in your environment or any other real time focus you have chosen. It doesn't matter how many times we have to do it as we sit there.
DeleteAs one of my friends recently reminded me, the act of returning to the breath over and over IS the meditation (as opposed to something getting in the way of our meditation). Learning to notice whatever is happening in the present moment, including what we are thinking about, and gently returning to the breath without judging ourselves for it, is all part of the process.
So, in the context of Mindfulness Meditation, those aren't considered "problems" that you are having; they are simply part of meditating. You are doing it! :)
I like the idea of meditating, and the actual doing of it. Don't know why it's so hard for me to "make" myself do it. I think that guided meditations get in my way sometimes. Plain silence seems to be most effective for me. And almost a tiny crossing of my eyes with them closed. Does that make sense? Not really crossing them, but focusing on the space where they would meet somewhere in there in the dark. OK, I'll shut up now. I don't do it well. Or often. I'd like to try more often than I do.
ReplyDeleteStill hitting up the green smoothies most days. Decluttering at a standstill. I have been spending some time at the sewing machine most days (a goal I didn't mention before). I trick myself by saying I'll do something in the sewing room for 5 minutes...
Another thing I've been doing is visiting as many different churches as I can to see their spaces and experience how they do worship. Lenora, it's been so much fun. And very surprising some weeks! I don't really know why I feel the need to do this, or exactly HOW to go about it, but I'm doing it anyway. You should go with me sometime, or at least suggest some churches.
Lastly, the generosity project continues. More satisfying than I can say.
Oh how fun, Margaret! I've always enjoyed visiting different worship services, and I have to admit I'm very curious about your generosity project.
DeleteI'm glad you are still enjoying the green smoothies. (Me, too.) And my de-cluttering has also slowed a bit, but not stopped.
What you said about meditating makes perfect sense to me, and it's good that you have figured out what tends to work best for you. I especially relate to what you said about liking the idea of meditating as well as the actual doing of it, yet not being able to make yourself do it very often.
I downloaded my Insight Timer app back in September because someone recommended it, but initially it didn't do much for me. Big deal. So it dings at the beginning and the end of the time I set it for. I can set any timer or peek at my watch for approximately the same result. (Although I wasn't...) I used the app sporadically in September and October, then stopped entirely.
When I made my new year's resolutions, I decided to give it another try. I'm not sure how much difference it made at first, but in time I also started paying attention to the statistics feature of the app, where it keeps track of how many days in a row you meditate. One night, I didn't get around to meditating until after midnight, so it didn't register in the app as a consecutive day. I was so disappointed to have broken my streak! I didn't even realize that it had mattered to me until that point, but it had been more of a motivator than I thought!
Since then, I've meditated 34 consecutive days. I'm not at all sure I would have if I weren't keeping track with the app. I'll miss more days again, of course, but it's starting to feel like part of my routine, now--almost like brushing my teeth or journaling. So I'm pleased about that.
The statistic I'm obsessing about a wee bit now is "percentage of days with at least one session." Because it calculates this figure based on the first time you use the app while meditating (which, for me, was back in September), I'm currently at only 38%, since I didn't start meditating regularly until January. That number is creeping up very slowly.
I don't expect it to ever be near 100% because I'm going to miss some days or choose to do my meditating without the app occasionally, but I'd like to at least to get it up over 50%. I want to meditate more days than I don't meditate.
I'm kind of embarrassed to admit that I even pay attention to those stats, because meditation is supposed to be non-judgmental and non-competitive. In fact, I have always been famously averse to competition. Yet, here I am checking to see if the percentage went up and not wanting to break my meditation streak.
I'm sure the novelty will eventually wear off--which may be a good thing, but maybe by the then I'll have established the discipline. In any case, the app has proven to be more helpful than I expected.
It sounds to me like you are doing great on your list, Margaret! I need to try your sewing trick (just 5 minutes...) with my daily walk! In a way, I think you are "burdened" by being awesome at so many things. I'm sure you can't easily fit in everything you'd like to do, but I'm SO glad that you are sharing a little bit about your journey, here, and I LOVE your only-recently-revealed blog... yet another great project!