Pleasant Surprises

About three months ago, I decided that Mindfulness would be my word for 2014, and I made a number of resolutions that I've worked at since then, with varying degrees of success. 

I also decided to use this blog as a place to check in each Monday about my progress toward personal goals and report on how things are going, in general. I've invited others to share in those periodic updates and am delighted that some of you have. I call these weekly check-ins, Mindful Mondays. (The invitation remains open, by the way, and I hope others will continue to join in!)

The resolution I've been most consistent about since January 1st is a daily mindfulness meditation practice. I resolved to meditate for at least 5 minutes a day. Most days, I now sit for at least 20 minutes once a day, and occasionally I add an additional session of a different form of meditation in another part of the day. 

I have to admit that, although meditation is a spiritual practice for me, my decision to re-establish this particular practice was as much a practical one as anything else. I noticed increasing mindlessness on my part and grew tired of misplacing my cell phone or my keys all the time while often feeling scattered and overwhelmed.

IRONY ALERT: Last Monday, I completely forgot to even write my mindfulness check-in. I remembered on Tuesday but was too busy to write. By Wednesday, I wasn't sure whether to attempt a catch up post or just skip it and move on. So much for Mindful Mondays. 

I still lose my cell phone, too. And last night, I loaded the dishwasher, then forgot to run it before I went to bed. Don't even get me started on twist-ties...

My mindfulness practice hasn't done all of the things I had hoped it might, but it does seem to be doing something more important. I may not know where my phone is, but I am pausing to notice the texture of clouds and the color of the sky. I am aware of the gentle breeze on my shoulders on first day spring day outside in a sleeveless shirt. I am more able to be present with my father, who struggles with many health issues and other aspects of aging. 

Perhaps most important of all, I believe that, as a result of daily meditation practice, I am better equipped to right myself when I am thrown off balance by life. This is no small gift.

One of the tenets of contemplative practice is that when you recognize that your mind has wandered to random thoughts (which it WILL, over and over and over again...) you gently and without judgment guide it back to the breath, or whatever point of focus you have chosen. This exercise can quickly feel pointless and even hopeless, so for me there is an element of faith in just doing it anyway, no matter how "unsuccessful" you feel.

Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn says that it doesn't matter so much what happens when you sit [in meditation], so much as that you sit... and keep sitting the next day and the next and the next. He suggests that a key to the practice is to come to the mat with no expectations--a prospect I admit that I find nearly impossible. Surely, most of us don't continue to do things on a daily basis without some expectation of benefit?

Of course, Dr. Kabat-Zinn never suggested that mindfulness has no benefits. He would not have devoted his life to the teaching of mindfulness if he didn't know it has great value. Rather, he suggests that imposing very specific expectations on the practice up front tends to limit our experience of it.

We mostly see what we are looking for. There's a famous experiment in which subjects are shown a video of people playing basketball and asked to count the number of times the team in white shirts passes the ball. Afterward, the viewers are asked about something else entirely from the film, and half never even noticed it. They were so focused on how many times the ball changed hands that they missed practically everything else that happened. (I'm being vague to avoid spoilers, in case you haven't seen the video.)

Something similar can happen with meditation. If you are meditating for a specific purpose, you may not notice when other positive things begin to occur as a result of your practice, especially if they are subtle or gradual. But, like water on rock, even subtle shifts can add up to big changes, over time. So it is helpful to approach meditation with a sense of openness and curiosity rather than heavy expectations. 

To use some of the language of my own faith tradition, sometimes the Holy Spirit offers us what we need rather than what we want. I wanted to stop losing things, but I needed to be fed by the wonder of creation. I wanted to be more focused, but I needed to become more aware and alert. I want things to happen by my schedule and within my fairly narrow comfort zone, but that's not how human beings learn and grow.

There's a big picture view that most of us simply can't see from our limited vantage point. Meditation doesn't grant magical access to that big picture, but somehow it keeps me mindful that a far broader and higher perspective exists. It also allows me to dance with possibilities that I might not have noticed before.

looking out from our recent hike on Stone Mountain

I'd still like to keep track of the twist tie after I open the bread, but if I have to choose between that elusive little piece of wire and being more present for my dad in his twilight years, that's a pretty easy choice. Right now, meditation is helping me gain perspective on my priorities. When my attention is diverted from them, as it inevitably is, it helps me redirect my focus. What a pleasant surprise from sitting still for a few minutes each day.

I highly recommend it.